Romance Guides by EdenFantasys

Though a lot can be said about the differences in the sexes, nothing perhaps captures it better than the age-old adage: A man falls in love with the woman he's attracted to and a woman is attracted to the man she falls in love with. Simplistic, yes, but oftentimes it is these most obvious and overlooked truths that evade us, especially when sex and the heart tangle. And eventually, if you're like most people, they will tangle, whether it's on the first date or the sixtieth.

Dating is a risky venture and often presupposes mutuality, that two strangers want the same thing at the same time. Good, solid first dates often lead to seconds and thirds and if you're lucky, weeks will go by before either one of you notices that you're on your twentieth. Time will fly in the face of romance, because romance often eclipses the more mundane aspects of our lives. We crave it like the air we breathe, and rarely do we ever get enough. That is, if you're the sentimental type. But what if you're not?

Like the act of craving, sentimentality is often ascribed to women and with good reason. How often do you hear about a man craving romance, a man with an overabundant need for sentiment? It is the rare man who understands romantic nuances, who can turn a banal dinner into an extravagant event, with candles, flowers and the right bottle of wine. I'm not saying there aren't men in the world with that kind of finesse, who can conjure up an evening of romance, not to please themselves, but their partners. And herein lies the rub: sentimentality, in whatever form it takes, must be offered up selflessly and with the best intentions. And if sentimentality is just one part of a healthy romance, then affection is the other.

It's hard to imagine sentiment without affection, just as it's hard to bridge the gulf between lust and love. Affection, real and honest, can help with this, however, and turn an awkward parting of strangers into a beautiful moment between potential lovers. A finger on the ear, a touch on the back, a small kiss on the cheek-all of these things signify a willingness to connect, a reaching-out for the future.

If you find it difficult to rouse the necessary energy for sentimentality and affection, then perhaps you're still too attached to your independence, to being single. Coupling takes work and patience, an eagerness to leave a part of your old life behind and head into unsound territory. It's scary. It often produces far more anxiety than we know what to do with. Woody Allen once said that if love creates tension, sex alleviates it. It seems to me that the reverse could be said as well. Any time we get intimate with someone else, any time we literally open ourselves up, more than likely we'll end up getting hurt. But if you truly crave a relationship, vulnerability is unavoidable and more often than not is what keeps someone around, when s/he might just as soon walk away. Sometimes, showing a partner who you really are can lead to further intimacy, to further sharing and growing together, while at other times, this same tack might scare him or her away. It all depends on the approach, when and where and how you choose to let this other person in.

Being attentive and kind to another's needs, reliability, steadfastness, all of these things say a lot about the kind of person you are or the kind of person you'd like to become. But what's most important to remember is that you're dealing with another human heart and that human heart is fragile. Treat it gently and it will go on beating beside you for decades. Treat it thoughtlessly and you will miss the sounds it made.

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Having finished her burger and fries, a girlfriend of mine turned to me quite suddenly, incredibly animated about foreplay, a topic she'd been contemplating recently. "There are two types of women, as far as I can tell," she said. "Those who can orgasm from getting eaten out and those who can't." She went on to describe how she fell into the latter category, preferring NO foreplay at all to the simple, robust machinations of a good hard fuck. "Sometimes, I wish men weren't as sensitive as they pretend to be these days," she said, glumly. "Sometimes, I wish they just fucked like the cavemen they were."

Indeed. I've heard this same lament oh-so-many times in the last couple of years, from good friends to bad acquaintances alike, from older women to younger, from every ethnic background and religion. Though they all recognize and appreciate the tremendous strides men have made, in the bedroom especially, many-not all, mind you-wish for the good old days, when men couldn't even utter the C word, much less put a tongue to it, without embarrassment.


Let's face it. The female sex organ-the vagina-is far more complicated than a man's penis, which means in general getting a woman off might be more complicated. Even the most sensitive of men cannot compete with the moody clitoris, which swells during excitement and changes position. According to Coolnurse, the blood vessels through the whole pelvic area also swell, causing engorgement and creating a feeling a fullness and sexual sensitivity. The inner vaginal lips swell and change shape. The vagina balloons upward, and the uterus shifts position in the pelvis. If aroused, a healthy male experiences a similar effect: his penis hardens, his scrotum contracts, pre-cum is produced in the hopes of intercourse-although nothing changes position or balloons outright, except for the self-contained penis itself. (Is it any wonder then that men leave all priapic concerns to general practitioners, while a woman must seek out a gynecologist, an expert in female sex and sexuality?)


"It's not that I don't enjoy cunnilingus," my friend said. "But if I can't achieve an orgasm like this, then what's the point? I need a guy who just wants to stick it in."


It's a strange dilemma, I think, not only because men are more sensitive these days to their partner's wants and needs-more wiling to talk about feelings-but also because this same openness seems to work against some of them. It's hard to say if this is more a product of her age (she's in her mid-twenties), which causes its own set of hang-ups and disillusionment, than with the men she's slept with or that one day she might not awaken to the joys of a pre-fuck orgasm. Still, what she says does bear out a peculiar movement in the spirit of male-female sexual relations. In the end, asking a man to forego foreplay for the sake of her own pleasure might be her only shot at orgasm. Then again it might be just another way for her to place restraints on what could potentially be an amazing insight into her own repressed sexuality.

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We are entering a period of great reflection, as we rush toward these last few weeks of 2006. Some of us will look back at this past year with fondness, others with regret. We will see the mistakes we made and wonder why we made them, how it was we repeated the same old patterns again, with our friends and family and lovers. If we are single, we will remember this time last year when we weren't; if we're coupled, we might even do the same. The holidays are a wonderful opportunity to take stock of where we are and who we're with, whether we've lived up to own demands - resolutions we set down and carry with us from one year to the next - and potential or if, like many, we've fallen into age-old grooves.

Everyone has heard the definition of insanity: going about the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If this is you, then it might be high time to identify those well-worn habits, those you've been meaning to pack up and ship off. If you're involved in a relationship that makes you miserable, the holidays will only bring out more of the same. These are difficult times ahead, ladies and gentlemen, and it's best to go into the holidays wide-eyed and clear-headed. If you're a heavy drinker, perhaps you'll leave the eggnog alone. If you're prone to engaging in casual sex, perhaps you'll remove yourself from those situations that bring this out in you. Any addiction is harmful, whether it's people, places, or things. Best to seek out professional help before professional help seeks you out.

Love, as we all know, can either send us to the moon or drop us into the abyss. With the holidays quickly approaching, senses are heightened and our sense of love, of how much we're getting, how much we've neglected, is no different. More than any other time of year, the Christmas holidays thrive on equals parts greed and good will, our own capacity to give and receive openly and warmly, and for some, in the face of such excess, this is overwhelming. If you and you significant other come from a large family, perhaps you'll spend a couple of days before the onslaught of relatives arrive being kind and gentle with each other - take some alone time, check in and make sure you're still on the same page. Love can survive almost anything except the breakdown of communication.

If you're single, don't panic. You are your own worst enemy this time of year, as you pass couples in the throes of PDA's, snuggling up close to each other in the cold. If you don't want to be alone, make a date not to be - it's that simple. But beware of overreaching at this time of year. Intimacy, like love, will feel more intense and more comfortable to you and you might end up letting your guard down for the wrong person. Take your time and don't rush. If it's meant to be, it will last well beyond these often harrowing, often joyous days to come. Stay in control of your feelings and your feelings will lead you skipping happily into 2007.


Happy Holidays!

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According to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, masturbation is "the excitement of the sexual organs, often culminating in orgasm." For men, this might occur as many as several times a day (if you have such free time), and is a wonderful stress-reliever for the usually sweet, albeit aggressive Alpha male. For women, however, masturbation-or autoeroticism–usually happens with far less frequency. It is not enough to hang gender on the differences in masturbatory practices, though many studies often allude to, if not cite outright, the gulfs between a man's sexual voracity and a woman's sexual sublimation. How can this be, when it's more than obvious women have come into their own hyper-libidinal rights?

Take Kim Katral's character, Samantha, on "Sex and the City." A femme fatale for all ages, she's a timeless example of just how far female sexuality has been pushed into the open. As she beds one man after the other, Samantha rarely if ever complains of regret. She masturbates willingly and gleefully, a modern-day Gloria Steinem, without the heavy, psychological baggage and concomitant analysis. The girl just wants to have fun; and the show, which condones Samantha's free-wheeling sexual appetites, wants less to instruct its audience on the ins and outs of romance and dating in the Big City than it wants to foster a healthy, cogent and real take on four friends and their vastly differing, often antagonistic, views on what it means to feel satisfied-without the aid of a man. One such way, of course, is through masturbation.

As a country founded on creaky, antiquated ideas (and ideals) of sex and sexuality-i.e. Victorian hair shirts and Puritanical repression-here, now, in 2005, it seems silly to think we were ever mystified by the act of stroking, but we were. Just take the etymology of the word masturbation itself: from Latin, manu stupare, which literally means "to defile with the hand." Throughout history and in certain cultures today, women are still viewed as chattel, less than men, and made to wear get-ups to keep their better parts hidden. But in the sanctity of their own bedrooms, the same hands and wrists become weapons against depression and loneliness. A fist between the thighs, a finger rubbing away at the clitoris, a dildo in the anus-pleasurable distractions that no one, not father, brother, lover or country can take away.

"Sex and the City" did much to change men's opinions of women, but more than this, it helped to change women's opinions of themselves, even though for many, masturbation continues to be a hushed topic, something better left out of polite chitchat. Samantha and her chums attracted (and still attract) a huge following, women from all over the world who tuned in week after week, not to see Samantha triumph or fail with one man or another, but to see how she coped with her own wants and needs. In this way, a whole new generation of women was born, women who are more open to discussing sex and sexuality. Thus, a new breed of women emerged who think about sex just as much as men, who aren't afraid to go after and get it. Though studies show time and again women masturbate far less frequently than men, this simply doesn't mean women are any less horny. A man might jerk off a dozen times a week, whereas a woman might finger herself once a month-but in the end, who's to say that once isn't enough or that a guy might have to try twelve different times to have the same mind-blowing orgasm a woman gets right the first time around?

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In the newly released film, "Junebug," Madelyn, an art gallery owner, meets George during an auction and falls in love. Later, while visiting his very southern, very middle-class family, she's asked if it was love at first sight. Smiling, she not only admits that it was, but that they were wed a week after knowing each other. Dreams and independent movies are made of this sort of overly sweet stuff, random and rare encounters that lead to grand and momentous love affairs. If you're like me and most everyone else on the planet, you put little stock in this kind of happenstance and, though you know it exists and have heard about it-your friends always seem to be meeting someone somewhere all the time-you often shrug it off as impossible or worse, impossible for you.

But then you do meet someone and you do fall in love. He meets your friends, and you meet his. Since both of you are willing, you stop dating casually and enter that exclusive deal known as a commitment. Moving in together doesn't seem as farfetched as it once did. And why not? Around him, you sprout wings and a halo. Around her, you can barely control your fingers and dick. You're in love. You've hit the jackpot, baby. Every cliche you've ever heard about being in love applies and at last you feel like the world's embraced you. You understand what everyone's been talking about and what you've been missing out on for years. You're safe and snug inside the cocoon of a healthy, strong relationship, as strong and healthy as the bed you buy together and christen repeatedly.

After a year, sometimes less, sometimes more, depending upon who you are and who you're dating, the way he clips his toenails begins to irritate you and the way she hums while brushing out her hair nauseates you. Though you still crave each other, your sex life becomes somewhat rote, tapering off from seven times a week to three, mirroring what you know to be true, though are too afraid to say aloud-you're drifting apart. Your conversations, once scintillating, turn stale and foreshortened, more functional than engaging. You worry suddenly you've made a huge mistake, that he isn't the one, that she's completely and utterly wrong in every way.

At this delicate juncture in your relationship, you might seek out couples' therapy, or try your own brand of it through plain, old-fashioned powwows. Either technique is commendable, especially in light of your connection and investment. But take caution: If your relationship has become physically and emotionally abusive, chances are it will stay that way until professional help is sought.

Because we live in such an accelerated, instantly gratifying age, where ad after ad commands us to act fast, sometimes, in our relationships, we overlook the fundamental reasons why we chose the person we did in the first place: Was it her hair? Her vocabulary? Was it his eyes? The way he said your name? We misplace and mishandle these memories, cordoning them off, usually forgetting about them until it's too late. There is always someone better out there, we think. There is always someone more suited to me.

Toward the end of the film, George says of Madelyn: "Yeah, I hope she stays around." It is a touching and surprising moment, not just because we hope this as well, but because George himself wants this more than anything and his wanting resonates long after the lights go up. This is what love is: it's about wanting someone else to stick around and the willingness to help them do just that. Yes, it's hard and it's ugly and it hurts, but whoever said that growth was easy? Whoever said that life was like a movie?

David Levinson is a young writer, who explores the mistiness of sexuality and human relationship, writing articles for EdenFantasys.com - Sex Toys Store, where you can find his other works or discover new sides of intimate feelings for yourself.